The Synapse Connections of a lifetime

Clinical experience in Phase 2 is rewarding and is quite an eye opener.. in Agings & Endings, I found myself in the oncology department again.. Unlike the last experience, this time I've spent a lot of my time in the wards and the clinics.

Fortunately, even after two weeks, I have not encountered any patients that were unable to cope with their condition. I guess it was probably because by the time I've seen them, they have already completed their treatment and are in review.

The impact of cancer are enormous.. and more often than not, cancer strikes when you least suspects it.. Sometimes it strikes at the peak of their lives, when everything seemed to go well. Without much warning, you suddenly feel a lump, lose weight or break some bones and your world just switches around. Nothing else matters. It's just you and the disease. The world seemed to change as well. Perspective change, and you suddenly find yourself lost in a place you don't want to be in the first place.. the chemotherapy chair, the radiotherapy room, people in white coats prodding your body and the journey into the most dreadful place; the hospital.

Breaking the news to someone with cancer is difficult, and yet it is something oncologists do all the time. Of course, getting used to it makes it easier.. Medicine are always focussed on practicalities and we often forget about humanity in the mists of our diagnosis and tests. Not only did patients lose their lives, they lose their job, their freedom but more importantly, they lose control over their bodies and their pride. Doctors become their guide, and everything they say is canon. Doctors, however, often forget about this, and they shower huge amounts of medical jargon that does nothing more than confuse the patients.. We often neglect the fact that they are trying to cope with the news of their disease, and now they have to cope with the treatment.. As doctors, we should make this journey as smooth as possible.

[Warning, nonsense post-exam syndrome (PES) rant follows]

It's 4 a.m, and yet I can't seem to sleep.. My eyes are blurry but my mind is running about like nobody's business..

Lately I realised that there's no more passion in everything I do.. I'm becoming like a person with a dead personality.. I'm just moving on with the present, the very present, not reflecting on my past, not aiming for the future.. I felt empty after a long long time, and that everything that I do brings fourth no purpose and bears no productivity.. I have seemed to lose what used to be my personality, my warmth.. I've changed somehow.. and I'm not liking it..

I don't know what I want anymore, I have no vision nor ambition.. I just lived my life in a corner by myself..

Damn I feel like an idiot.. Self esteem? It's almost rock bottom. Interpersonal skills? I try to avoid communicating with people I don't really know now.. Everytime someone approaches me, I'd try to find excuses to back away.. Don't talk to me, I having nothing interesting to say to you.. Haha, it's a vicious cycle I guess, stop talking to people, lose interesting things to say, can't talk to more people..

I guess I should set things back up.. to put my aims all together, to put the pace of my life back up.. Else i'll fall deep into a hole that never ends..

Once someone told me, rule No.1 of Holes: "When you're in one, stop digging".

I feel relieved that the exams are over, but stressed that i might have just made it though (or did not make it) by the skin of my teeth.. I wish I can remember everything i've learnt.. they seem to delete themselves.. sighs..

I guess there will be a day where everything falls apart..

[End of rant]

UNSW lower campus as seen from 7th floor Warrane College

Next up: A look at International House..